Phnom Penh for one last spin

so when i left off, i was writing about sihanoukville, on the cambodian riviera. after our nightly escapades of non-stop drinking, our daily excursions to the beach, and being devoured by the nastiest mosquitoes this side of hanoi, we were more than happy to go back to our home away from home, lovely phnom penh.

jason and i were excited to meet up with joe the tuk tuk driver again. we missed our scheduled bus back to the capitol because for once, a bus left at exactly the scheduled time and we were left sucking dust as we careened towards the station in a shitty tuk tuk. the people at the station were somewhat sympathetic to your travails and allowed us to take the next bus back. this bus didnt have a bathroom on board, but jason was pretty well recovered from his near-death experience so we made it back to the city without much fanfare.

when we arrived, we checked back into the okay guesthouse and met up with skye again. he looked like shit. he had lost a good 10 pounds over the last week and his clothes were literally hanging off of him. (he's not a very big guy to begin with, so his prolonged illness had really taken a tone on his chiseled physique.) i reassumed my position as skeelow's bed-partner and jason checked into a single. we immediately sent our clothes to be washed and headed down to the common area for some western food. there, we met some friends who had been in sihanoukville and recounted our experiences with them. jason and i had two things on our minds: hang out with joe, and buy a bunch of shit from the russian market to ship home.

we met up with this dude named jon (his full name was jon michael laine) from finland. jon had been living it up alongside of us in sihanoukville and had some fresh tattoos to prove it. im not going to tell you guys what jon does for a living, but suffice it to say that it's not really on the level, and that snoop dogg would be more than happy to know him.

jon hadnt really spent much time in phnom penh yet so jason and i determined that we would take him out and show him a good time. jon had hooked up with this cheeky australian girl on the beach named ash who was 19 and had been travelling with her mother, a handsome woman in her 40's. he was in the middle of telling us about how he had had to wait until her mom left to consummate their relationship, so to speak, when like magic, joe appeared again. he was wearing a new getup and had a pair of shades on. he was in great spirits. we hugged hello and immediately took off for the russian market with jon, ash, and some fat chick who was ash's friend.

when we got to the market, we only had about half an hour to do our shopping. jason and i were to be leaving in two days -- he for a quick tour of vietnam and i to meet skeelow in chiang mai, thailand. we proceeded to run through the hot as fuck market bargaining for goodies. we both got some sweet fake watches for cheap and other assorted souvenirs. we were determined to trust the cambodian postal service to get our loot back to the states. neither of us were sure if it was a good idea, but we didnt really see any other alternative. after a harrowing 30 minutes, we met outside, dripping in sweat, each carrying bagfuls of stuff. after eating some fried bananas and drinking fruit smoothies, we deposited out things back at the guesthouse and set out to see the sunset over the mekong.

the mekong flows through the center of phnom penh and the city is built around it. we decided to brave the mosquitoes as joe hurtled his tuk tuk towards one of the lakeside guesthouses. the one he chose was called 'same same but different', a common phrase that cambodians use to represent something or some situation that on the surface seems the same, but in reality is very different. hard to explain. suffice it to say that this term is pretty much universal in cambodia. everyone uses it to their own whim, even the backpackers.

the guesthouse had a sweet balcony-type thing at the end of it that bordered the river. after thinking that we had long missed the sun setting, we were surprised and pleased to find that the sun was going down just as we got there. the patio was filled with all types of backpackers who had gotten 'stuck' in phnom penh, only their experiences were vastly different from our own. for one, all they seemed to be doing all day was to recount their old travel war stories while smoking mass quantities of pot and drinking beer. we spent some time schmoozing with the others as well as partaking in some of the festivities. joe was in terrific spirits and was rolling up a storm. after awhile, we went inside to go play some pool on a less-than-perfectly-flat table. jason and i joshed around while skye ate his obligitory banana pancake.

after a few hours, skye begged off to go to bed because he was leaving early the next morning; he had had enough of cambodia and was moving on to greener pastures in chiang mai, where we had heard the guesthouses had pools. jason and i wanted to continue our authentic cambodian experience, so we asked joe to take us to the baddest-ass local spot he could think of for some dinner. we asked everyone to come with us, promising them the experience of their lives. only ash, her friend, and jon agreed to come with us.

joe took us to a restaurant that we had been to several times before. it was open to the air and served a variety of the best basil beef ive ever had. they also had a big pot of soup with noodles that we were craving. when we got there, joe met up with some of his tuk tuk driver friends -- 4 to be precise -- and we got to drinking, eating, and making merry. one of his buddies was this very well spoken guy who had taught himself to play the guitar. this dude was amazing, and soon, we were treated to a mini concert consisting of that guy on the guitar, joe on vocals, and the rest of us clapping and banging on the table. we must have raised quite a scene.

during the course of the meal, we were offered (and i ate) a bunch of assorted bugs and some barbequed snake. they were delicious. we probably stayed at that restaurant for 3-4 hours hanging out. by the end of it, we were all full to the brim and pretty much tuckered out. joe asked me if i wanted to go out to a local cambodian nightclub with him. he seemed to think that by working together, we could pull any chick in the joint. i agreed to go with him and we sped off.

the nightclub was probably the craziest place ive ever been in my life. the place was 100% local. i was the only non-cambodian in there, and i still looked kind of like them, so it was ok. we ordered some overpriced beer and sat at a table by the window which overlooked the mekong. after awhile, joe asked me to come out to the dance floor with him.

the way the nightclubs work in cambodia is pretty strange. first of all, all of the music is live. there was this totally effeminate dude with crazy hair up on stage with this hot chick who was kind of dressed like a prostitute. behind them, there was a DJ spinning phat beats. the sets were super short: just two songs where everyone crowds to the floor and kind of gyrates around without touching each other -- one fast number followed by a slow dance -- and then there is like a 15 minute intermission when everyone goes back to their seats and chugs beer while wiping the sweat off of their brows. this went on ad infinitum.

when joe asked me to go out there with him, i was pretty nervous. for one: cambodian people are like the most bashful people in the world. they can't dance worth a lick because it's super disrespectful to touch anyone else. we headed out to the dance floor and kind of did a little circle around the place. there were old people, young people, and ladyboys. everyone danced like a foot from each other, so i was left kind of dancing by myself, feeling awkward.

then, the real music started. i dont know if you guys have ever seen this on TV, but the set they were doing was the traditional cambodian dance set. when the song came on, all of a sudden, people stopped what they were doing, and started prancing around in a big circle around the dance floor. everybody moves at about quarter speed with their hands tilted upwards, fingers up and curled, thumbs in -- praising buddha, i think. what you do is follow the person in front of you while moving your hands slowly around in a kind of bollywood-style motion. the song was very traditional and slow and lasted way too long for my comfort. joe had to teach me how to do the dance and i basically mirrored him. the thing is, the people out there were having the times of their lives. everyone was just smiling with their eyes closed in ecstasy.

after the first number, the second song was a traditional cambodian folk song with steps that reminded me of the kind of square dancing you learn in elementary school gym class. one step to the left, one to the right, two steps back, et cetera. the thing is, there was still this formal thing you were supposed to do with your hands where you spread your fingers apart and kind of wave them over your crotch to the rhythm of the song, which again, was very slow. after that much culture, i begged off the floor and headed back to the table for the intermission.

after this, we drank and smoked, and left.

joe told me we wanted to show me some 'hot chicks', which i immediately read as meaning 'whores'. i begged him not to go, but he was on a mission. against my protests, he drove me out to his favorite brothel and basically forced me to go in there with him with the unassuming words, "let's just take a look.....hot chicks!"

the minute we got there, i was completely sketched out. for one, this was no normal brothel like you see in thailand. the place was a totally seedy storefront with a bunch of unsavory types hanging around outside. again, i begged joe to turn back, but he was undeterred. we followed some guy who joe said was his friend into an empty room and then through a dirty hallway into a room that can be best described as a cross between a high school locker room and a concentration camp gas chamber. there was a bench that ran around three sides of the room and on it were some of the saddest, most pathetic looking prostitutes that i have ever laid eyes on. most of them looked like they were 12 and were pretty much either chewing on their hair or playing with their gum or both. all of them looked very very sad. the guy pulled up two plastic chairs for us and we sat there looking at them like they were zoo animals while smoking cigarettes. through it all, joe kept asking me which ones i thought were hot. i told him that i just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

finally, joe capitulated and we took off, but not before he questioned my manhood and asked my why i wouldnt go to bed with them. apparently, joe likes his whores. i told him that he was welcome to go fuck as many as he pleased after he dropped me off. when we got back to the okay guesthouse, we made a date for him to bring us back to the russian market the next day for some hardcore shopping. he agreed to meet us around noon the following day and we parted ways.

the next morning, over breakfast, jason and i bought a cell phone for joe from jon, the fin. joe was nowhere to be found. we asked the other tuk tuk drivers if they knew where he was and they told us that he had gotten too drunk the night before and had gone back to his real house away from the city to sleep. we were left without another option. we asked one of the guys who had had dinner with us the next night to take us to the russian market.

when we got there, jason and i were pretty much over it, and were trying to find the nearest post office. we asked everyone who looked like they spoke english, but apparently 'post office' doesnt translate well into cambodian. most people looked at us like we were crazy. all they would say is 'DHL', which is the service that most foreigners use to send stuff back home. we knew that DHL would cost us an arm and a leg, so we persisted. eventually, we gave up and decided to see if we could find phnom penh's famous driving range. the thought of hitting some golf balls in a third world country tickled our fancy, for some reason.

SIDE NOTE: jason is a professional golfer, almost. he went to loyola marymount on a golf scholarship and decided that it wasnt for him. but he still caddies at the riviera country club in LA and has pretty much been doing golf shit his whole life. in fact, he made a small fortune with a website called 1daysports.com, a website that sells golf equipment at the lowest prices on the web, but only sells one particular product a day. basically, you have to log in early to see what's for sale and then you have to buy it before it runs out. when the product is gone, you have to wait until the next day to get another deal. he sold the website for a bunch of money and embarked upon his travels. as we speak, i think he's in europe right now.

so jason and i asked a tuk tuk driver to take us out to the driving range that some british girls had told us about. it was right in the center of town and it was very upscale, by cambodian standards. the people hitting balls there were definitely rich; everyone had new, super nice equipment and really expensive looking outfits on. the thing that surprised me the most about the place were the number of rich cambodian women who were literally ripping the shit out of the balls with deadly, trained precision. we got to talking with some of the people, and not to our surprise, they all turned out to be cambodian people who were on vacation -- back home to the motherland for some good, cheap fun. most of them lived in other countries and were somehow very wealthy.

jason and i each hit a bucket of balls and he gave me some tips that really improved my game. he was amazing, as he should have been. we played "lob the wedge into the basket" for awhile. it was hot as fuck and we were sweating up a storm. luckily, every basket of balls came with a complimentary frozen wet nap. after we were done, we asked the people at the range about the postal service. again, we were handed a DHL form. at this point, we decided to give up.

that night, joe made his first appearance of the day, looking refreshed as ever. we went out with jon again and hit up some spots like same same and ate at another local spot. joe was really sad to be parting ways with us, but we assured him that we would come back to see him. i still stand by this promise. we exchanged email addresses and we told him to get a number for that phone we had given him. jason and i had to be up early to continue traveling. he was headed to hanoi. i was going to chiang mai, like i said earlier.

the next morning, joe was there, as promised to take me to the airport. jason and i parted ways with a heterosexual man-hug and we were off. cambodia would now just be a fond memory for us; we had places to go and people to meet. people like joe made the whole experience worth it for us. despite the seedy conditions, the rampant mosquitoes, the heartbreaking poverty, and the like, we felt uplifted by the spirit of the people there. for the rest of my life, i will have a very special place in my heart for cambodia -- especially phnom penh. i felt as though i grew up a lot there and even looking back at it now, some months later, i wouldnt trade the experiences i had there for the world.